Matchmaker, Make Me A Match
by RZZMG
Summary: Hermione Granger's new, post-war wand seems to be having problems. Lo and behold, it seems Draco Malfoy's wand is suffering the same issues. Hmmm… Dramione/Draco x Hermione. Post-war, EWE. Experimental poem (Dr. Seuss style). Comedy/Romance/Naughty Hotness. DramioneLove Mini Fest Round 2 entry #1 of 2. COMPLETE!


**AUTHOR'S NOTES:**

 **This was my 1st of 2 entries to the 2017 DramioneLove Mini Fest - Round 2 (2017) (dramionelove . livejournal . com) entry. The fest is over and reveals are out, so now I can post this for you here. This fanfic is finished. It is a one-shot.**

 _My prompt for the fest was: #43 - T_ _heir new, post-war wands are twins._

 _Other requirements: Fic must be under 2500 words_

 **Thanks to "greyeyesbluetoo" who came up with this fun prompt! This one is dedicated to you!**

* * *

 **DISCLAIMER:** "Harry Potter" is the property of J.K. Rowling and Warner Bros. This fanfiction was written entirely for fun, not for profit, and no copyright infringement is intended.

 **TIMELINE:** Post-Hogwarts, EWE (2005).

 **CHARACTERS FEATURED (alphabetical order, last name):** Hermione Granger, Draco Malfoy, Garrick Ollivander, Draco  & Hermione's wands

 **SUMMARY:** Hermione's wand seems to be having problems. Lo and behold, it seems Malfoy's wand is suffering the same issues. Hmmm…

 **RATING:** R (MA)

 **WARNINGS:** Magical trickery. Implied sex.

 **EXTRA NOTES:** Experimental poem style. Title is a homage from the wonderful song of the same name from "Fiddler On the Roof".

* * *

 _ **MATCHMAKER, MAKE ME A MATCH**_

 _ **By: RZZMG**_

* * *

Her wand kept buzzing.

It wouldn't stop.

It bugged her so much,

she wanted to pop!

.

"See here," she told it

late one afternoon,

"You can't keep up buzzing,

or else you'll go 'BOOM'!"

.

"Try sleeping, not beeping,

Or a quiet, smooth hum.

Anything but buzzing!

My arm's going numb!"

.

It ignored her,

then bored her,

as it continued to thrum.

.

She took it for repair,

to get it replumbed.

.

Ollivander's was busy

when she came a'knocking.

A dark wizard stood in front,

and the door he was blocking!

.

"Kindly move," she commanded,

"I'm in quite the hurry.

I must get help now.

My wand's in a flurry!"

.

The stranger then turned,

and gave her a fright.

"Granger, how rude!

That's hardly polite!"

.

"Then I supposed that's your way.

You _are_ known for your mood,

and for being a prude,

and I can only conclude,

that you're becoming unglued!"

.

Malfoy smirked and he grinned

like a pride of half-Kneazles,

but then he ruined his cool

with a case of the sneezles.

.

 **ACHOO!** and **KAFLOO!**

He shook the roof down,

with his huffing and puffing

and wheezy-like sounds.

.

"Get away from me, woman!"

He screamed in upset.

"There's something about you

That gives me cold sweats!"

.

"Look here at my wand!

It's behaving quite wonky,

and zonky,

and bonky,

and certainly all clonky!"

.

"Until you came around

I was perfectly fine!

No sneezing,

or wheezing,

Not even a whine!"

.

Hermione scoffed

at the crude accusation.

"It's pretty far-fetched

that I'd be the causation."

.

"It's probably you,

and your arrogant swagger.

Your wand needs a break,

from such arrogant blather!"

.

He lifted his wand

to cast a mean hex,

but what came from his mouth

but an offer for sex!

.

He tried it again,

but his wand seemed to sputter.

He muttered,

and uttered,

but it continued to shudder.

.

"Why's it not working?"

he demanded quite loud.

He received some strange looks,

from Diagon's crowd.

.

"She's cursed me!" he accused,

while calling for aid.

"I demand her arrest,

and I won't be swayed!"

.

"You're mental," she decided

and pushed past his bod.

"I'm here for some help,

you incorrigible sod."

.

"Move aside and stay out,"

she gave him the warning.

"This is serious business,

I've no time for warring!"

.

He followed behind

like a badger-nosed Crup,

growling and snarling

like an overgrown pup.

.

Ollivander took up

her malfunctioning wand.

He gave it a wave,

and her hair was charmed blonde!

.

"Well, isn't that strange?"

The old man was surprised.

"This wand of yours, dearie,

needs to be analysed."

.

She called for the owner

of the world's oldest shoppe,

to repair her sad wand,

or provide a wand swap.

.

"Then look at mine, too."

Malfoy held out his hand.

It sparked,

and it barked.

It did nothing he'd planned.

.

"Well, isn't that funny,"

the old wand-maker said.

"Your wands are twins, dearies.

Their magic is wed."

.

Hermione balked.

Malfoy gawked.

.

…And the two of them fled.

.

Three days then did pass.

She huffed and she whined.

Her wand remained broken.

Her spells disinclined.

.

She needed a sign.

.

An owl appeared

at her window that night.

A note in its talons said,

" _You make this right!"_

.

She sent a note back,

Telling him he could stuff it,

and chuff it,

and puff it,

and then he could snuff it.

.

Malfoy came to her door

in a right ugly snit.

"Listen here, princess,

You need to fix it!"

.

He held out his wand

with a righteous demand.

Hermione snatched it

with a quick sleight of hand.

.

The moment she touched it,

the wand gave a quiver.

It recognized her!

She started to shiver.

.

"This cannot be happening!"

she wailed and bemoaned.

"This wand calls me 'mistress'

as if it were owned!"

.

"Give me that thing!"

Malfoy said with a grab.

But instead of his wand,

it was hers he had snagged.

.

"My god, it's so warm!"

he said, quite enraptured.

His focus was fuzzy,

like he'd been spell-captured.

.

"It's true, then, it seems,"

Hermione admitted.

"Our wands are made twins.

Their magic is knitted."

.

"Well, what do we do?"

Malfoy asked, still ensnared.

His eyes had blown wide,

his nostrils were flared.

.

An idea then hit her

with all the weight of an ox.

"We touch them together.

Make a magical paradox."

.

"You mean that they'll cancel

each other's strength out?

Are you sure that will work?"

he asked with some doubt.

.

"It should, if the theory

is sound and its true.

Godric, himself, had once

tried this, too."

.

With a sigh and a wince,

Malfoy gave it a try.

And what do you know?

It did actually fly!

.

Their wands pitched…

and their grips

did slip,

and a gasp passed their lips.

It was a trip.

.

Bright lights did they see,

minds tumbling quite free.

It was such ecstasy…

They were desire's devotee.

.

Clothes shredded, mouths fused,

hands roamed 'til they'd bruised.

.

There was only one need.

They were consumed by the greed.

.

Higher they climbed,

Bodies slick and primed.

Together, they peaked,

and Hermione shrieked.

.

The climax was draining,

but with energy waning,

she held to him,

straining.

.

He thrust, urging more…

They woke up on the floor.

.

"A dream?" he asked her,

and she had to concur.

"A vision, I'm sure,"

she could only proffer.

.

For their clothing was straight.

Though their hair – what a state!

And there was still enough hate

to know they didn't mate.

.

"Our wands are not twins,

they're lovers, I think."

It only made sense,

for the way they did sync.

.

"How can that be?"

Draco demanded of her.

"That would mean we are, too!

Or so I'd infer."

.

She glanced at him once

over the rim of her glasses.

He wasn't so bad

for a son of jackasses.

.

At least not his looks,

though his mouth, she'd debate.

She was attracted to Malfoy!

What an odd twist of fate!

.

"I assume from the fact

that you haven't gotten up,

that you like where you're lying

and where we've wound up."

.

He blushed and he stammered,

then he got to his feet.

He helped her up, too.

How incredibly sweet!

.

"I'll have to do research,"

he said with a blush.

"Until I know more,

we should keep this thing hushed."

.

"You might be onto something,"

she reluctantly agreed.

"I'll help if you want.

I can read with great speed."

.

He nodded his head,

and promised to owl.

Then he took back his wand

with a gruffy, tight scowl.

.

"Tell me something," she bargained

as he moved towards the door.

"Did you like what we did

when we'd lay on the floor?"

.

He paused in his step,

and he let out a sigh.

"How could I not?

But I can't fathom why."

.

"Perhaps we should talk,

over coffee or tea?"

she offered him softly,

before he could flee.

.

He looked at her once,

and gave her a smirk.

"Why, Granger, I'm shocked!

Who knew you could flirt?"

.

She waved her wand at him,

And shoved him on out.

"Hey, watch the hair, baby!"

he said with a shout.

.

When he was gone,

at her wand she did look.

"What game are you playing,

you sly, little crook?"

.

And she knew in that moment

that it had all been a scam.

"You sneaky, rotten matchmaker!

You perpetrated a sham!"

.

The wand gave a laugh,

and a hearty, little shove.

It glowed in her hand.

 _"You're quite welcome, my love."_

.

 _ **~FIN~**_

* * *

 **Author's Notes:**

 **Perhaps someday I might write a sequel, as this was fun. What did you think? Please leave me a review, if you would be so kind!**

 **XOXO,**

 **\- RZZMG**


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